Pure As a Snow

How big is your heart?

Just the other day, I read a lovely warm letter from anonymous over the net. It is midwinter in Tokyo; and she wrote.

” I found a 7cm-deep carpet of snow this morning. Snow has a magic art because it can change the usual world into  a strange beautiful and peaceful one. The white purity of snow covers everything dirty, wicked and unhappy. It is a wonderful change. You would like it, if you were here. Snow is as pure and as beautiful as you”.

The sweet note gives me the chill because I believe in snow and I believe that people can be as beautiful and as pure as snow. But me, as pure as snow?

Sometimes I feel so blessed and enlightened that I want to shout my discoveries out loud to the world, even if I know I cannot possibly communicate accurately my bliss and joy. At other times, I feel terribly stupid, and it makes me question my own holy sacred experiences; then, I clearly see how proud I am. How can I be pure when I experience pride and doubt and self-contradiction? How can I be pure when I passionately desire to be pure? How can I be pure when I want to be presumptuously God pure?

I am in tears now, even as I write this blog because I genuinely ache to seek God. Because I want to be as pure as snow. And I wonder if it is not pride. I want to be pure! Not for people who know me, not even for me. But for God! I want to mirror God’s purity. No! I want to be dissolved in God’s purity!

These past few days, I’ve been evaluating and re-examining my motives for withdrawing from the world. Do I seek sanctity to satisfy a claim for divine power? Have I bought the spirit of the world condemned by Christ into my solitude?

My heart is bleeding. I should have asked these questions much, much earlier. Then, I would have seen how rotten I was, how mad, how crazy. I cry now because of this ugly memory that I have lied. Did I completely deceive myself and God? I don’t know. I cannot remember all my motives then. I must admit my motives were not all as pure as I want them to be now. But they weren’t all lies, either. Some of them were genuine, some of them have got to be genuine! But however twisted my mind was, I tried to seek God. And maybe that is all that matters. Love found me, loved me, redeemed me, and I hope there is no more self description changed me.

Changed me! Like snow covering all that is dirty and wicked. God has made me snow pure!

Dear readers, I’m sorry. I cannot go on. I cannot take on all of these at once. I’m sorry to cut this blog short. My heart is too heavy and too full. And the light is too blinding and the love is too soothing, too healing. I want to pray…..

Starting a Journey… To Dare to be Different

I wish to inform you in this blog that I am serious in my intention, and all set, to start my new life. For the rest of this month, I will finish all my unfinished tasks and make all the necessary arrangements for my journey to solitude.

I just feel this all a new beginning. All things are hopeful. I am starting anew. I have made a decision, a resolution, and a commitment to a more serious daily self-cultivation. I commit myself to make something of my existence, to transform myself onto an instrument for experiencing the deepest spiritual essence of life. I am going to be a self-made woman, facing the challenges of life naked and alone.

I have always believed that I am a child of God, and that I will become like my parent-God: good, holy, all love there is in me the breath of life, the Godlike will and freedom, the great capacity to love. I will claim them again, and use them really responsibly. I am going to be perfect, truly alive, free spontaneous and prodigal in my loving. I will not be shaken by people and meanings that humans attach to things. I will not be a second hand human being pushed around by what the world thinks. I will learn about myself from myself. Nobody, is going to tell me what I want to be!

I will start my new journey by unburdening myself of my prejudices and mental frameworks. I will start with nothing but my optimism, my faith, my resolution, and my innocence. I know that there will be a lot of things that will come my way but I will try to look at them with a healthy knowledge that what is important is only the present moment, and the present experience only that is actuality.

My new vision is my purpose and perfection. This is my new way of life. My way is my life. If my vision is clear, then I will know when I stray. I know I can, and perhaps will, stray away; but sidetracks and detours are okay with me. As long as I realize how far I am from my purpose. I have a great hopes in this journey, and I know that you will pray for me as I always pray for you.

I also want to spend some time stargazing, just to remind me that I am not alone in this milky milky way. Maybe I also need to look at the inky darkness of the night that gives birth to light and day. I will wait for the first pale fingers of sunlight, and greet the dawn that will signal my rebirth. In the full light of the morning, I will be a new woman. A new promise. A new reality.

I want trouble myself with what others have to say. My life is in my hand, and I can handle it fairly well. I am my own responsibility, my hairdo, my dress-style, my speech – all of these are mine. I can do anything I desire with them. I can change whatever I want, whenever I want.

This world is over flooded with copycats because that is the easiest way to survive to go and drift along with the tide. I dare to be different. I’ll rediscover what is it to be a recluse. I will live by myself, and cultivate my own creativity and originality. I will express myself as I really am without feeling anxious about what others might say. I will be answerable to myself, and my God.

I hope to find my own true peace and joy, the kind that is not measured against the acceptance of others who haven’t even tried to search for their own true calling. I know I cannot be perfectly happy if I surrender now, and just give in to what this world has to offer. I’m quite sure there is more to life than just constantly measuring yourself against some fast – changing standard of the society.

Let me draw a terribly mundane example: the evolution of sound technology. In the beginning, people got their news from the grapevine. Then, came the radio. Then, came the portables which replaced the wonderful tradition of guitar entertainment. In less than 10 years came the walkman; first with only the AM/FM frequencies, and later with the audio cassette compartment. Then, the cassettes replaced the flat disc records. When does this madness end? Do we have enough resources in this planet to cater to the convenience needs of people?

I’m getting carried away especially when I begin to criticize this consumeristic aspect of civilization. Have I strayed too far? My only point is, we cannot keep up with the changes in society, and therefore, it is a struggle and a strain to measure our happiness and contentment against the standard of the establishment. No, I am not against the establishment. Or, maybe, again, I am. I don’t know. What I only want at this time is to discover what I really want to be. And I don’t think I can do that effectively in the worldly, materialistic setting.

To a certain degree, I also wish to be a sign of protest against this system of materialism and consumerism. I want to say , ” look here, you don’t need to buy all this crap. You can live simply, trusting in your own dreams, satisfying your own real needs. You don’t need a CD player or DVD player, you can whistle, you can him”.
I know it is difficult to digest ideas like these. Especially now that most people are so blessed with things that they don’t even have time to reflect. And how can they believe me when all that they see around them is contrary to what I preach?

I think the thought that I am becoming a symbol of a choice is somehow encouraging and rewarding. I will always remember this when I am on the verge of giving up my seclusion. I have a feeling this can sustain me longer than just my desire to discover myself.
So is this final it? I don’t know. Not everything is revealed to me at once. I’m dancing an unfamiliar tune, I’m in an uncharted territory. I am alone, and armed only with my optimism, my faith, my resolution and my innocence.
Until next time!

No One Correct Way… Stuck in Confusion

Why do we make the choices that we do?

I am presently suffering an inescapable feeling that everything is all arbitrary. I am even questioning my own seclusion, my own existence. Does it really matter that I detach myself from the ways of the world. How, why?

And why am I suddenly feeling a certain dullness and stagnation in my existence? I feel so constrained. And knowing that other people in my working environment have other ideas of what I should be doing, constrains me further.

Am I a wasted genius? I should think I have already confronted these questions, and I don’t really care about what others have to say about me. But questions like these do not really settle down, they pose themselves every time. And sometimes, I just feel extra-vulnerable to their teasing.

What have I been doing with my life? Have I ruined the universe with my personal patterns of thought? Have I busted things with my adolescent attempts at heroism, clouded with thoughts that I will surely make a grand contribution? Where am I now?

It was a long time ago when I realized that all meaning a life is arbitrary. That there is no one correct way, that there may not even be a better way. That no life from different palettes. That a good life is not an inherent destiny but a wise exercise of preferences. Then, why am I so stubborn not to live out this understanding?

God in thge mystery of solitude is my choice. I’ve made that decission for some time now. I know that life is not tied to any God (or God’s), or family, or self (as God). But I chose to define my life as such a relationship with a mysterious God. I know I should be ready for times when my mysterious chooses to play hide and seek with me., or maybe a game of chase.

I have no control over God. God is the unique and ultimate other, the one who defines my being as a lover, who defines me as a person in a meaningful relationship. I understand that. I can see the logic. I also readily believed this in the past. I have found it meaningful for sometime. Why I can’t feel an enlightment? Why I feel blocked, and frustrated? What do I do now?

There is pain and sadness in my heart as I write this blog. Suddenly, I feel so alone, lost and confused. Maybe this is essential for growth. But I hate it. I cannot even conjure memories of happy moments and ectasies to console me.

I do not enjoy this stale and rotten feeling. I cannot give cheers and good reasons for others to believe that better times are coming. I know low times come, but why do they linger this long?

Is it the reason? I thought I was already a veteran of so much loneliness; after all, isn’t loneliness the goal of my seclusion? I desired the mysterious, uncharted wilderness. I wanted to find my own trail in the dark path untrod by the multitude but this one darkness is too much, too long, too unbearable.

And yet, I don’t want to give up. I cannot just stop swimming and drown. There is a joyful hope that at the back of my mind. I know for sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve survived hell so may times. It is just that I am very tired of holding on now. I hate hanging on this long.

Maybe I should stop thinking about life. Maybe I should just sit still until I see a opportunity to break through. But why is there a resistance to let go? Why do I want something to happen right now?

Maybe this blog will at least verbalize my loneliness and confusion. That is the word – Confusion, I am lost, and I am alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a dark cave and I badly need a fresh air. And even just a hint of light. I know I should let go and give up the thought that I am still the one in – charge who can change the circumtances right now. But there is too much fear for uncertainty. I feel I’ll drown if I stop swimming.