Why do we make the choices that we do?
I am presently suffering an inescapable feeling that everything is all arbitrary. I am even questioning my own seclusion, my own existence. Does it really matter that I detach myself from the ways of the world. How, why?
And why am I suddenly feeling a certain dullness and stagnation in my existence? I feel so constrained. And knowing that other people in my working environment have other ideas of what I should be doing, constrains me further.
Am I a wasted genius? I should think I have already confronted these questions, and I don’t really care about what others have to say about me. But questions like these do not really settle down, they pose themselves every time. And sometimes, I just feel extra-vulnerable to their teasing.
What have I been doing with my life? Have I ruined the universe with my personal patterns of thought? Have I busted things with my adolescent attempts at heroism, clouded with thoughts that I will surely make a grand contribution? Where am I now?
It was a long time ago when I realized that all meaning a life is arbitrary. That there is no one correct way, that there may not even be a better way. That no life from different palettes. That a good life is not an inherent destiny but a wise exercise of preferences. Then, why am I so stubborn not to live out this understanding?
God in thge mystery of solitude is my choice. I’ve made that decission for some time now. I know that life is not tied to any God (or God’s), or family, or self (as God). But I chose to define my life as such a relationship with a mysterious God. I know I should be ready for times when my mysterious chooses to play hide and seek with me., or maybe a game of chase.
I have no control over God. God is the unique and ultimate other, the one who defines my being as a lover, who defines me as a person in a meaningful relationship. I understand that. I can see the logic. I also readily believed this in the past. I have found it meaningful for sometime. Why I can’t feel an enlightment? Why I feel blocked, and frustrated? What do I do now?
There is pain and sadness in my heart as I write this blog. Suddenly, I feel so alone, lost and confused. Maybe this is essential for growth. But I hate it. I cannot even conjure memories of happy moments and ectasies to console me.
I do not enjoy this stale and rotten feeling. I cannot give cheers and good reasons for others to believe that better times are coming. I know low times come, but why do they linger this long?
Is it the reason? I thought I was already a veteran of so much loneliness; after all, isn’t loneliness the goal of my seclusion? I desired the mysterious, uncharted wilderness. I wanted to find my own trail in the dark path untrod by the multitude but this one darkness is too much, too long, too unbearable.
And yet, I don’t want to give up. I cannot just stop swimming and drown. There is a joyful hope that at the back of my mind. I know for sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve survived hell so may times. It is just that I am very tired of holding on now. I hate hanging on this long.
Maybe I should stop thinking about life. Maybe I should just sit still until I see a opportunity to break through. But why is there a resistance to let go? Why do I want something to happen right now?
Maybe this blog will at least verbalize my loneliness and confusion. That is the word – Confusion, I am lost, and I am alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a dark cave and I badly need a fresh air. And even just a hint of light. I know I should let go and give up the thought that I am still the one in – charge who can change the circumtances right now. But there is too much fear for uncertainty. I feel I’ll drown if I stop swimming.