No One Correct Way… Stuck in Confusion

No One Correct Way... Stuck in Confusion

Why do we make the choices that we do?

I am presently suffering an inescapable feeling that everything is all arbitrary. I am even questioning my own seclusion, my own existence. Does it really matter that I detach myself from the ways of the world. How, why?

And why am I suddenly feeling a certain dullness and stagnation in my existence? I feel so constrained. And knowing that other people in my working environment have other ideas of what I should be doing, constrains me further.

Am I a wasted genius? I should think I have already confronted these questions, and I don’t really care about what others have to say about me. But questions like these do not really settle down, they pose themselves every time. And sometimes, I just feel extra-vulnerable to their teasing.

What have I been doing with my life? Have I ruined the universe with my personal patterns of thought? Have I busted things with my adolescent attempts at heroism, clouded with thoughts that I will surely make a grand contribution? Where am I now?

No One Correct Way... Stuck in Confusion

It was a long time ago when I realized that all meaning a life is arbitrary. That there is no one correct way, that there may not even be a better way. That no life from different palettes. That a good life is not an inherent destiny but a wise exercise of preferences. Then, why am I so stubborn not to live out this understanding?

God in thge mystery of solitude is my choice. I’ve made that decission for some time now. I know that life is not tied to any God (or God’s), or family, or self (as God). But I chose to define my life as such a relationship with a mysterious God. I know I should be ready for times when my mysterious chooses to play hide and seek with me., or maybe a game of chase.

I have no control over God. God is the unique and ultimate other, the one who defines my being as a lover, who defines me as a person in a meaningful relationship. I understand that. I can see the logic. I also readily believed this in the past. I have found it meaningful for sometime. Why I can’t feel an enlightment? Why I feel blocked, and frustrated? What do I do now?

There is pain and sadness in my heart as I write this blog. Suddenly, I feel so alone, lost and confused. Maybe this is essential for growth. But I hate it. I cannot even conjure memories of happy moments and ectasies to console me.

I do not enjoy this stale and rotten feeling. I cannot give cheers and good reasons for others to believe that better times are coming. I know low times come, but why do they linger this long?

Is it the reason? I thought I was already a veteran of so much loneliness; after all, isn’t loneliness the goal of my seclusion? I desired the mysterious, uncharted wilderness. I wanted to find my own trail in the dark path untrod by the multitude but this one darkness is too much, too long, too unbearable.

And yet, I don’t want to give up. I cannot just stop swimming and drown. There is a joyful hope that at the back of my mind. I know for sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve survived hell so may times. It is just that I am very tired of holding on now. I hate hanging on this long.

Maybe I should stop thinking about life. Maybe I should just sit still until I see a opportunity to break through. But why is there a resistance to let go? Why do I want something to happen right now?

Maybe this blog will at least verbalize my loneliness and confusion. That is the word – Confusion, I am lost, and I am alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a dark cave and I badly need a fresh air. And even just a hint of light. I know I should let go and give up the thought that I am still the one in – charge who can change the circumtances right now. But there is too much fear for uncertainty. I feel I’ll drown if I stop swimming.


As the Spirits Enabled Them

As the Spirits Enabled Them

If I were choose my team to conquer the world, I’d be looking for intelligent, affluent people with good looks, organizational ability, great communication skills; and I’d be looking for a blend of youth and experience, an ethnic and gender mix; and I’d probably want to throw in musical aptitude and a capacity to connect with a younger generation. When I begin to think like this, two points strike home to me. First, I wouldn’t pass my own selection process! Second, I don’t think I’d have ever selected the team JESUS did!

I’m always amazed by the way Jesus managed to find a bunch of misfits like the disciples to the change the world. He got Matthew, a tax collector for the Romans, to work alongside Simon the Zealot, who wanted nothing more than to damage to anything Roman! He transformed a bunch of fishermen to fishers of men. He used the hotheaded Peter and the equally thunderous James and John to bring peace into people’s live.

One small, seemingly significant phrase help us understand how the disciples changed from fear to faith, from confusion to courage, from misunderstanding to ministry. In Acts 2 we read the familiar passage about the Holy Spirit coming down from heaven on the day of Pentecost:

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. – Acts 2:1-4 NIV

Without getting drawn into too much theology, I want to focus on the simple words ” as the Spirits enabled them.” It’s these words that help us understand how the disciples were transformed into world changers. God’s presence was upon them, and he gave them the power and the ability to carry out the Great Commission.

Andrew preached in what we now call Bulgaria and Georgia and died on a cross in a Greek colony. James the brother of John preached in Judea and was beheaded, while John himself was exiled to the island of Patmos and wrote his gospel. Tradition has it that Thaddeus preached to all of Mesopotamia and was killed by arrows, and after writing his gospel, Matthew was crucified in Alexandria, and Simon the Zealot became the second bishop of Jerusalem. The first bishop was James the beaten to death. Nathanael preached in India; Philip preached in Turkey, while both Peter and Thomas ended up preaching to about five significant people groups each, before being killed for their faith.

Now the ending of all those disciples maybe quite frightening but the point is this: God never calls you to a task or a mission without equipping you to carry it out. The Holy Spirit will enable you.

Just as the good news of Jesus didn’t end with Jesus, it also didn’t end with disciples. It carries on with us today – we are no less charged with the Great Commission than were those first followers of Jesus. They weren’t simply spectators, and neither are we. We are called to serve and to share and to bring the light into a dark world. At times we may feel daunted and ill equipped; often we will be tired and discouraged; occasionally we may believe we have little to other or have been disqualified from the task; but because the Holy Spirit enables us, we can rely on the power of God and not on our own feelings or abilities.

But when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, you will receive power and will tell people about me everywhere – in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. – Acts 1:8 NLT