Pure As a Snow

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How big is your heart?

Just the other day, I read a lovely warm letter from anonymous over the net. It is midwinter in Tokyo; and she wrote.

” I found a 7cm-deep carpet of snow this morning. Snow has a magic art because it can change the usual world into  a strange beautiful and peaceful one. The white purity of snow covers everything dirty, wicked and unhappy. It is a wonderful change. You would like it, if you were here. Snow is as pure and as beautiful as you”.

The sweet note gives me the chill because I believe in snow and I believe that people can be as beautiful and as pure as snow. But me, as pure as snow?

Sometimes I feel so blessed and enlightened that I want to shout my discoveries out loud to the world, even if I know I cannot possibly communicate accurately my bliss and joy. At other times, I feel terribly stupid, and it makes me question my own holy sacred experiences; then, I clearly see how proud I am. How can I be pure when I experience pride and doubt and self-contradiction? How can I be pure when I passionately desire to be pure? How can I be pure when I want to be presumptuously God pure?

I am in tears now, even as I write this blog because I genuinely ache to seek God. Because I want to be as pure as snow. And I wonder if it is not pride. I want to be pure! Not for people who know me, not even for me. But for God! I want to mirror God’s purity. No! I want to be dissolved in God’s purity!

These past few days, I’ve been evaluating and re-examining my motives for withdrawing from the world. Do I seek sanctity to satisfy a claim for divine power? Have I bought the spirit of the world condemned by Christ into my solitude?

My heart is bleeding. I should have asked these questions much, much earlier. Then, I would have seen how rotten I was, how mad, how crazy. I cry now because of this ugly memory that I have lied. Did I completely deceive myself and God? I don’t know. I cannot remember all my motives then. I must admit my motives were not all as pure as I want them to be now. But they weren’t all lies, either. Some of them were genuine, some of them have got to be genuine! But however twisted my mind was, I tried to seek God. And maybe that is all that matters. Love found me, loved me, redeemed me, and I hope there is no more self description changed me.

Changed me! Like snow covering all that is dirty and wicked. God has made me snow pure!

Dear readers, I’m sorry. I cannot go on. I cannot take on all of these at once. I’m sorry to cut this blog short. My heart is too heavy and too full. And the light is too blinding and the love is too soothing, too healing. I want to pray…..

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No One Correct Way… Stuck in Confusion

No One Correct Way... Stuck in Confusion

Why do we make the choices that we do?

I am presently suffering an inescapable feeling that everything is all arbitrary. I am even questioning my own seclusion, my own existence. Does it really matter that I detach myself from the ways of the world. How, why?

And why am I suddenly feeling a certain dullness and stagnation in my existence? I feel so constrained. And knowing that other people in my working environment have other ideas of what I should be doing, constrains me further.

Am I a wasted genius? I should think I have already confronted these questions, and I don’t really care about what others have to say about me. But questions like these do not really settle down, they pose themselves every time. And sometimes, I just feel extra-vulnerable to their teasing.

What have I been doing with my life? Have I ruined the universe with my personal patterns of thought? Have I busted things with my adolescent attempts at heroism, clouded with thoughts that I will surely make a grand contribution? Where am I now?

No One Correct Way... Stuck in Confusion

It was a long time ago when I realized that all meaning a life is arbitrary. That there is no one correct way, that there may not even be a better way. That no life from different palettes. That a good life is not an inherent destiny but a wise exercise of preferences. Then, why am I so stubborn not to live out this understanding?

God in thge mystery of solitude is my choice. I’ve made that decission for some time now. I know that life is not tied to any God (or God’s), or family, or self (as God). But I chose to define my life as such a relationship with a mysterious God. I know I should be ready for times when my mysterious chooses to play hide and seek with me., or maybe a game of chase.

I have no control over God. God is the unique and ultimate other, the one who defines my being as a lover, who defines me as a person in a meaningful relationship. I understand that. I can see the logic. I also readily believed this in the past. I have found it meaningful for sometime. Why I can’t feel an enlightment? Why I feel blocked, and frustrated? What do I do now?

There is pain and sadness in my heart as I write this blog. Suddenly, I feel so alone, lost and confused. Maybe this is essential for growth. But I hate it. I cannot even conjure memories of happy moments and ectasies to console me.

I do not enjoy this stale and rotten feeling. I cannot give cheers and good reasons for others to believe that better times are coming. I know low times come, but why do they linger this long?

Is it the reason? I thought I was already a veteran of so much loneliness; after all, isn’t loneliness the goal of my seclusion? I desired the mysterious, uncharted wilderness. I wanted to find my own trail in the dark path untrod by the multitude but this one darkness is too much, too long, too unbearable.

And yet, I don’t want to give up. I cannot just stop swimming and drown. There is a joyful hope that at the back of my mind. I know for sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve survived hell so may times. It is just that I am very tired of holding on now. I hate hanging on this long.

Maybe I should stop thinking about life. Maybe I should just sit still until I see a opportunity to break through. But why is there a resistance to let go? Why do I want something to happen right now?

Maybe this blog will at least verbalize my loneliness and confusion. That is the word – Confusion, I am lost, and I am alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a dark cave and I badly need a fresh air. And even just a hint of light. I know I should let go and give up the thought that I am still the one in – charge who can change the circumtances right now. But there is too much fear for uncertainty. I feel I’ll drown if I stop swimming.